The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ## Introduction: The Foundation of a Happy Marriage I've spent over four decades studying what makes marriages succeed or fail. Through my research at the Love Lab, where we observed thousands of couples, I've discovered that the foundation of a lasting marriage isn't about grand romantic gestures or perfect compatibility. It's about a deep friendship. Think about your own relationship. Do you know your partner's hopes, dreams, and worries? Can you name their best friends or favorite foods? This intimate knowledge forms what I call a Love Map – a detailed understanding of your partner's inner world. It's this friendship and deep knowing that helps couples weather life's storms. But here's the thing: building and maintaining this connection takes work. That's why I've developed seven principles that can guide you towards a stronger, happier marriage. These aren't just theories – they're practical tools based on years of research. Let me walk you through them. ## Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps The first step is to really get to know your partner. I'm not talking about surface-level facts, but a deep understanding of who they are as a person. What are their greatest hopes and fears? What stresses them out at work? What makes them feel truly alive? I remember working with a couple, let's call them Tom and Sarah. They'd been married for years but had grown distant. When I asked Tom to name Sarah's closest friends, he drew a blank. Sarah couldn't recall what Tom had said was his biggest dream. They'd stopped updating their Love Maps. To strengthen your own Love Maps, try this: Set aside time each day to ask each other open-ended questions. "What was the highlight of your day?" "If you could change one thing about your childhood, what would it be?" Listen carefully to the answers. You might be surprised by what you learn. ## Principle 2: Nurture Fondness and Admiration Every successful marriage is built on a foundation of respect and affection. It's easy to focus on your partner's flaws, especially during tough times. But nurturing fondness and admiration is like an antidote to contempt – the most corrosive force in any relationship. I once worked with a couple who seemed to have lost all positive feelings for each other. But when I asked them to recall why they fell in love, their faces lit up. They remembered the qualities they admired in each other – kindness, humor, intelligence. Reconnecting with these positive feelings was the first step in rebuilding their bond. Try this exercise: Each day, express appreciation for something your partner does. It could be as simple as thanking them for making coffee or acknowledging their hard work. These small acts of gratitude can reignite the spark of admiration in your relationship. ## Principle 3: Turn Towards Each Other In every interaction, we have a choice: to turn towards our partner or away from them. Turning towards means responding to your partner's bids for connection, no matter how small. Imagine your partner comments on a beautiful sunset. You could grunt and keep scrolling on your phone (turning away), or you could put down your device and share the moment (turning towards). These small moments are the building blocks of connection. I've seen countless couples transform their relationships by simply being more attentive to these bids. One couple I worked with started a nightly ritual of sharing three things about their day. This simple act of turning towards each other strengthened their bond immensely. Make it a habit to look for these opportunities to connect. When your partner speaks, give them your full attention. Respond with interest and empathy. These small moments of connection add up to a stronger, more resilient relationship. ## Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You A willingness to be influenced by your partner is crucial for a balanced, happy marriage. This doesn't mean always agreeing or giving in. It means considering your partner's perspective and being open to compromise. I remember working with a couple where the husband always insisted on making all the financial decisions. His wife felt powerless and resentful. When he learned to include her in these discussions and value her input, their entire dynamic shifted. They became true partners. In your own relationship, practice shared decision-making. Listen to your partner's ideas with an open mind. Be willing to change your opinion. This mutual influence creates a sense of teamwork and strengthens your bond. ## Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems Every couple faces problems, but not all problems are created equal. Some issues are solvable, while others are perpetual (we'll get to those in a moment). The key is learning to distinguish between the two and developing strategies to address the solvable ones. For solvable problems, I teach couples a five-step model: 1. Soften your startup: Begin discussions gently, without criticism or contempt. 2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts: These are efforts to deescalate tension during an argument. 3. Soothe yourself and each other: Learn techniques to calm down when discussions get heated. 4. Compromise: Find common ground and be willing to meet in the middle. 5. Be tolerant of each other's faults: Remember, you're dealing with another human being, not a perfect being. I once worked with a couple who constantly argued about household chores. By using this model, they were able to create a fair division of labor that worked for both of them. The key was approaching the problem as a team, rather than adversaries. ## Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock Now, let's talk about those perpetual problems – the ones that keep coming up again and again. These often stem from fundamental differences in your personalities or lifestyles. The goal isn't to solve these problems (because you likely can't), but to dialogue about them productively. I remember a couple who were gridlocked over the husband's desire to travel more while the wife preferred staying close to home. The breakthrough came when they dug deeper into the dreams and values behind their positions. He longed for adventure and new experiences; she craved stability and connection with family. Once they understood each other's underlying needs, they were able to find creative compromises that honored both perspectives. To overcome gridlock in your own relationship, try this: Choose a recurring issue and take turns being the speaker and the listener. The speaker shares their feelings, needs, and dreams related to the issue. The listener's job is simply to understand, not to judge or problem-solve. This deeper understanding often leads to breakthroughs. ## Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning The final principle is about building a shared sense of purpose in your life together. This goes beyond the day-to-day logistics of running a household. It's about creating rituals, supporting each other's roles, and working towards shared goals and values. One couple I worked with felt disconnected and unsure of their future together. As we explored their values and dreams, they realized they both had a passion for environmental conservation. They started volunteering together at a local nature preserve. This shared mission brought new vitality to their relationship. In your own marriage, have regular conversations about your values, goals, and dreams. Create rituals that are meaningful to both of you – whether it's a weekly date night, an annual vacation tradition, or a way of celebrating holidays. These shared experiences and values create a deeper connection and sense of purpose in your life together. Remember, a strong marriage isn't about avoiding conflict or being perfectly compatible. It's about building a deep friendship, turning towards each other in daily moments, and creating a shared sense of meaning. By practicing these seven principles, you can strengthen your bond and create a marriage that not only lasts but thrives.

Here are key insights from "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work": ## Deep Friendship is the Foundation A strong marriage is built on a deep friendship and intimate knowledge of each other's inner world, not just romantic love or compatibility. ## Love Maps Developing detailed "Love Maps" of your partner's hopes, dreams, worries, and preferences creates a strong foundation for intimacy and resilience in the relationship. ## Nurture Fondness and Admiration Actively cultivating and expressing appreciation for your partner's positive qualities counteracts negativity and strengthens the emotional bond. ## Turn Towards Each Other Responding positively to your partner's bids for connection, even in small daily interactions, builds emotional connection over time. ## Mutual Influence Being open to your partner's influence and practicing shared decision-making creates a sense of partnership and balance in the relationship. ## Solve Solvable Problems Learning to distinguish between solvable and perpetual problems, and using effective communication strategies to address solvable issues, is crucial for relationship health. ## Overcome Gridlock For perpetual problems, the goal is to dialogue productively and understand the deeper dreams and values behind each partner's position, rather than trying to "solve" the issue. ## Create Shared Meaning Building a shared sense of purpose through rituals, shared goals, and values deepens the connection and creates a more fulfilling life together. ## Small Moments Matter Daily acts of turning towards each other, expressing gratitude, and showing interest in your partner's world have a cumulative positive effect on the relationship. ## Continuous Effort A strong marriage requires ongoing work and attention to maintain the emotional connection and navigate challenges together.